Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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