@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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