just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize