I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
