Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
