I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
