On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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