mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
