Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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