I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
