Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
