is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
