Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
