Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
