your parents love me but you hate me
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize