mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
