Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize