i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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