If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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