Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I got her a Nickelback box set.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
