"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
