that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize