They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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