My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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