just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize