I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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