i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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