we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
