Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
