Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize