***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
