Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
