She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
