"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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