whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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