Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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