Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
