I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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