you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
