Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
