Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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