How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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