put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
