I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
