Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
