I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
