The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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