the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
