im about as happy as oj after his trial
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
