normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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