I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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