Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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