I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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