I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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