i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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