he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
