I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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