tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize