we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
