Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
