I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
