I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
