I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize