he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
