saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize