Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
