I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
